Remembering Bobby

It was one year ago today, December 27th, that we had to say good bye to our beloved Bobby McGee. I wrote the following passage the day after his death and would like to share it today in honor of him.

           “I miss Bobby so much. Everywhere I look I am reminded of him and of something he used to do. I see a balled up blanket at the end of the bed and think that it is him. I look at the mirror on top of the dresser and see him running in place on the mirror knocking it back and forth violently. I see the space at the top of the couches and imagine him curled up sleeping there.

            I feel so guilty that there were so many times that I got frustrated with him beyond belief. He had many loves and passions that were difficult for me to handle as a new mom struggling with the challenges of parenthood; plastic bag licking, framed artwork rearranging, opening up cupboard doors and rearranging pots and pans, running after me and nipping at my ankles. I would give anything to have him here right now doing all of those things. But Bobby was very sick and we just didn’t know. We kept commenting on the fact that he was mellowing out and sleeping more but we just thought that our crazy cat was just not acting like a kitten anymore. And truthfully, I did not miss him licking bags or knocking things off shelves and was relieved that he wasn’t doing all of those things. But I didn’t know that he wasn’t doing them because he was very sick. He was eating ok and drinking ok and was still loving and affectionate and didn’t seem sick at all. So I guess I need to stop beating myself up about not taking him to be seen earlier.

            When we came back after being gone for two days, he did not run to greet us at the door (but then again I’m having trouble remembering when was the last time he did). We have been so preoccupied with the holidays and day-to-day events that we failed to notice the slow changes that were affecting our cat. And I feel so bad and guilty about that. However, even if we had brought him in weeks ago, unfortunately the results would have been the same. Bobby had feline leukemia, and while there are treatments that can be done for a healthy leukemia positive cat, it will only prolong their life a couple years. If the cat already has a progressed form of the disease there unfortunately isn’t much hope.

            We knew something was wrong on Saturday when we brought him into bed with us and noticed his third eyelids had moved up in both of his eyes. His coat was looking matted and his nose was dry. He lay right between us all night long and several times I woke up to feel if he was still breathing. It was Sunday the next day and we knew that he needed to be seen so Mike brought him to a 24 hour clinic in Scarborough. I was very worried about him but relieved that he was being checked out and imagined that he might have just been dehydrated or has some other minor sickness. Mike came back without Bobby because they had wanted to admit him, he had a fever and was not looking good and they wanted to run some tests. We waited for an hour or so to hear the results. At 10 Mike called the hospital to find out. After being on hold for awhile the doctor came on the phone and I heard Mike say “Oh no”. He stood up and started pacing while listening to the doctor. Addie was in my lap wanting to read and play and all I could focus on was that something horrible was going on with our cat and I didn’t know what. Finally I heard Mike say “Can we come it to say good-bye?” I lost it. You don’t ever want to hear those words. It seemed so surreal, like a bad nightmare that I just couldn’t wake up from.

We all got into the car and drove to the hospital. Addie was very worried about me and kept saying “Mommy sad, Mommy sad”. I could not stop crying. We had to wait for a long time for Bobby to be brought in to us. I was still thinking of all these questions I had for the Vet. Could it be an inaccurate test? Maybe he’s sick with something else that isn’t fatal? Should we test again? Should we do a blood transfusion and find a marrow donor and take all possible steps? I sat there in a state of shock, not caring how long I’d been waiting or the fact that I must have looked completely awful after several straight hours of crying.

            Finally Bobby was brought into us. He looked terrible. They had put an iv in his paw and he was wearing a cone over his head to protect him from licking at it. But besides the scary looking medical interventions what really struck me was how the Bobby that we knew and loved was not really there at all. He seemed to weigh nothing and struggled with getting comfortable. I looked into his eyes, still half covered by the third eyelids and saw a suffering animal who was not happy at all. By the time the doctor came in, I think we had both decided what we needed to do. But I still wanted to hear about feline leukemia and make sure that there was really nothing else that we could do for him.

            She said the prognosis was very bad. We could have given Bobby a blood transfusion (with a vile of expired blood) and that maybe would have made him feel better for a week or two and then we would have been faced with the same decision. She thought that he probably contracted the disease as infant from his mother and when the humane society tested for it they got a negative result. Not a false negative, the disease must have just been laying dormant somewhere in his body. She said that had the test been positive, he probably would have been euthanized then as a little kitten. This is the only part of the whole situation that gives me solace. We were able to give a really good life to a cat who very easily might not have had much of a life at all. It doesn’t really make it any easier to deal with his absence though.

            We decided that they only humane thing to do was to have him be put to sleep. I decided that I wanted to be with him when he passed and Mike and Addie said goodbye and went out into the lobby.  As I waited for the Vet, I lay on the floor next to him, stroking his fur and singing his song to him (Me and Bobby McGee).  He was balled up (conserving his energy, the vet said), barely breathing, barely there, and I knew in my heart that we were doing the right thing. It just broke my heart that he was in this situation in the first place and had probably been suffering for a couple weeks. The vet came in and we talked a little bit about the process and I asked her to tell me more about her own pets that she had mentioned had to be put to sleep. She told me to tell her when I was ready. I couldn’t prolong it anymore and just wanted Bobby to be at peace. It happened very quickly, just like she said it would, and Bobby’s body relaxed and moved to his side and after 20 seconds or so, she listened for a heartbeat and said that Bobby had passed. 

            It all seems so surreal and it hasn’t even been 24 hours. In fact 24 hours ago Bobby was still here with us in our house."

It has been a year now. And while I don't think about his absence all the time anymore, I definitely still miss him a lot. He was a very special cat. Addie talks about getting another cat some day and we will be very lucky if we can find an animal with half as much character and love as Bobby.